Him (draft)

Hi guys,
Long time no speak...I'm so sorry, I've just moved house and am battling with no internet for a whole month!!

I warn you strong opinionated buggers now to not read this blog it's a sensitive issue tonight!!

I thought this would be the perfect song to start the blog up again with, 'Him'. I remember conjuring up the song title some 7 years ago when I planned on taking lyric writing seriously. The song was originally meant to be a childhood autobiographical song which would give listeners/readers the 411 on me. I had planned to name my first EP/album 'Him' to represent the music coming from my life experiences. However the song lay dormant for a good 7 years until about 6 months ago when I was going through some hurting issues in my life and the song's basic formation literally poured out of me.  I remember sitting in my bedroom all glamoured up thinking "How did he not notice?, I wore my best for him tonight" and then "that would make a really good song lyric". The first verses came when I visited back home (Kent) in hopes to heal and get away from my woes (LOL sad but true).

The song talks about a gay man falling for a straight man...(awkward silence ay?). It then questions the basis of the relationship between the two people, is there a possibility? is it deemed a sin? etc. I have struggled a lot with coming to terms with Christianity and homosexuality. I've felt at times that I should try and force it out of me, then just as quick something slaps me and reminds me that God has made me this way and it's him I should be listening to, not other people. I'll happily hear others opinions on the subject but then I retreat to prayer and ask for guidance in the matter. I've come to the conclusion that God made me this way for a reason and that he has set me a certain task in my life. It's in situations like the song (Him) speaks of when I want nothing more than to hurl anger at God for putting me in a situation where 'nothing' could come from it, but then once the situation is overcome it's so easy to see what you gained from it and why you had to go through it. I admit the topic is not that graceful and I am far from being the perfect being, trying to get someone's attention by 'dressing your best' is something I always thought a bit degrading (depending on what you wear) yet I found myself doing it!! Don't!!

I've only recently realised that being gay was nothing to be ashamed of, so many times I've been put in the most awkward situations where somebody asks the most blunt and random questions and all I have to offer is the truth. I was never good at telling lies, ever since my Step-dad told me he hates liars I had always been bad at it. I hope this answers a few questions for some or opens minds for others, sorry for the awkwardness but sometimes that's just life.

I've called this the draft because there are some parts which I'm not to sure about but I've decided to sit with them for some time and evaluate them later and see if I like them.

p.s. I added some lyrics at the bottom of the song which didn't make it into the 'final' version.

Verse 1
I give him the eye, he smiles
For he knows what hides behind,
Yet he knows he can't return
My love, he's sorry for fanning the burn.

I see him and no one around him
In my dreams I've kissed and felt him
Oh the pain when I awake
Oh the shame the next day

Chorus
I wore my best for him tonight,
In hopes that he might change his mind,
But he don't need me and it's getting plane to tell
You can give him what he want's but you cannot create the spell.
When the urge proves to strong
And I want him in my arms
Is it a sin to love him?

Verse 2
But he won't share his love with me,
He's planned his wife and family
How can I live up to those things?
If only I could make him see

That I can give the love he wants
Lets compensate away my faults
If he made the sacrifice
Could I keep him satisfied?

Chorus 2
I wore my best for him tonight,
In hopes that he might change his mind,
But he don't need me and it's getting plane to tell
You can give him what he wants but he'll run off with someone else.
When the urge proves to strong
And I want him in my arms
Is it a sin to love him?

Mid 8
And I want him to love me for all of his life,
with passion and romance with fire and fight.
The window light that I would leave alight for him.
Would lure him close and lead him in.

Chorus 3
I wore my best for him tonight,
In hopes that he might change his mind,
But he don't need me and it's getting plane to tell
You can give him what he wants but he will still put you through hell.
But when the time comes along
and I've the chance to take him home
Is it a sin to love him?

Lyrical outtakes-

Middle 8
(If only he wasn't so tough, would he speak of his love)

(I want him to love me all of his life, to keep me warm throughout the night)

Verse
(Let's forget about what they say, don't shy away or feel afraid)

(Don't shy away or feel afraid, I am here you will be ok)

(If you were mine it would feel the space, but would it take me from my faith)

(If he were mine and I were his...)

Karl Smitherman © 2012, published 10/09/2012