Forever Gone

I've often found that my style of writing changes depending on the type of things I am reading at the time. Recently I have been reading a lot of poetry, as you may have noticed whilst reading 'In the Lap of the Mountain'. I love the works or Byron, Whitman and Wilde. I always love the songs/poems of lament and loss and that's why I enjoy all the old traditional folk songs like 'Danny Boy' and 'The Water is Wide'. When writing this piece I wrote it as a poem instead of a song. It speaks about being apart from your love but leaving them instructions to ways in which they can feel close to you. It also says how the narrator would rather suffer the pain which they are feeling now than never knowing what it would be like to be with their loved one.

Though your hands shall never/ touch my tender face,

No finger can discover /what they cannot replace.

The arms I taught to hold me/ throughout the coolest nights

Shall no more console me/and shall be out of sight

Oh darling don’t forget me/ you said upon a time,

No one could ever replace me/ I was the first of my kind.

My arm shall be the duvet/ the pillow be my chest,

So linger on a lifetime/ and lay ye down to rest.

Yes lay down all your burdens/ and hang up all your hopes

Lift them to the sun light/ and send them up to float,

And even in the dark say or/ breath my name in sigh

For I do feel the same way/ and do the same do I.

I whisper your name softly/ it’s all I've learnt to speak,

And when the light does hold me/ it hits the tear on my cheek,

And like a crown of diamonds/ my face shall forever shine,

And all this I endure for/ I knew once you were mine

It makes it all worthwhile/ and allows me to sustain

In each and every mile/it’s how I bare the rain

So assemble all the loneliness/ and drink it down in wine

And make believe this moment/ that once again you’re mine.

Karl Smitherman © 2012

The Stage

I've realised reading back on the blog that many of the topics have been utterly depressing so firstly would like to apologise if I have made you feel suicidal at any point. Today's song was originally meant to be a joke song between me and my friend. The song came about because whenever we would go down town for our regular coffee fixes we happened to stumble across the same man...literally without fail!! He is always dressed in his finery and swaggers up and down the highstreet. I have no idea where he goes, however, one day me and my friend were discussing what it is we believe he does and I had this image of him wanting to be a famous performer on the West End and having never received his big break strolls up and down the town in his most expensive clothes hoping some talent scout would find him and lead him to fame, and from there I wrote the song based on what I imagine his life to have been like.

I was so proud of this song once it was written because I thought at least I'd have one song in my set list which wasn't about me and which would have a funny story to tell. However reading the song back a few weeks later I realised that I have probably pretty much predicted my own future!! I already 'doll' myself up and ponce around the town, soon will be the failing of my career and I never tend to settle with child because of reasons of which the majority of people can guess!! and I also used to sing to people in the school playground before my Mum stopped me for embarrassing my brothers...that's what you get when your repertoire is Celine Dions 'My heart will go on' and the Spice Girl catalogue.

Luring myself out of my depression I honestly believe anyone can make it in what they want to achieve, I've come to learn and have yet to take action in putting your neck on the line and push yourself every step of the way, no matter how many bricks you shit!! For anyone who is interested and for those that ain't I am recording some songs at the moment for some EPs, some have already been written up in the blog, they are 'Gypsy', 'Prettiest Thing in Town', 'In the Lap of the Mountain', 'Man of Kent' and 'Into the Night' if you have a moment please read back on past posts you may find yourself laughing at my misfortunes which will then make your day!!

Here's a quick story which will confirm my theory of the poor man. One evening once the song was written I was walking home at about 11 at night and saw him dancing along the street miming some song to himself. This is the Gods honest truth but we gotta love the dreamers!!

Verse 1
When I was a child I used to pretend
That the sun was my spotlight, the stage was the shed.
I'd climb to the top, though my knees were grazed
I didn't care, I belonged to the stage.

I'd pick and I'd sing my favourite hymn
When someone would walk by, the louder I'd sing.
I'd act out a play which I'd memorized for days,
I knew some day they'd take me to the stage.

Build
I dreamed of the lights and I dreamed of the stage,
though it never took of the dream it still stayed...

Chorus
Now I walk round the town day after day
In my finest of clothes, in my brightest of gowns.
Hoping someone will say you're right for the part
I will give you the fame, follow me to the stage.

Verse 2
No I never married, I hadn't the time
And I never settled with no children of mine.
I wanted such greatness and someday I knew
That the harder I worked then my dreams would come true.

Build
My reflection withered from the times they've made me fall
With all the auditions saying it's you we will call...

Chorus

Now I walk round the town day after day
In my finest of clothes, in my brightest of gowns.
Hoping someone will say you're right for the part
I will give you the fame, follow me to the stage.


Karl Smitherman © 2012

Him (draft)

Hi guys,
Long time no speak...I'm so sorry, I've just moved house and am battling with no internet for a whole month!!

I warn you strong opinionated buggers now to not read this blog it's a sensitive issue tonight!!

I thought this would be the perfect song to start the blog up again with, 'Him'. I remember conjuring up the song title some 7 years ago when I planned on taking lyric writing seriously. The song was originally meant to be a childhood autobiographical song which would give listeners/readers the 411 on me. I had planned to name my first EP/album 'Him' to represent the music coming from my life experiences. However the song lay dormant for a good 7 years until about 6 months ago when I was going through some hurting issues in my life and the song's basic formation literally poured out of me.  I remember sitting in my bedroom all glamoured up thinking "How did he not notice?, I wore my best for him tonight" and then "that would make a really good song lyric". The first verses came when I visited back home (Kent) in hopes to heal and get away from my woes (LOL sad but true).

The song talks about a gay man falling for a straight man...(awkward silence ay?). It then questions the basis of the relationship between the two people, is there a possibility? is it deemed a sin? etc. I have struggled a lot with coming to terms with Christianity and homosexuality. I've felt at times that I should try and force it out of me, then just as quick something slaps me and reminds me that God has made me this way and it's him I should be listening to, not other people. I'll happily hear others opinions on the subject but then I retreat to prayer and ask for guidance in the matter. I've come to the conclusion that God made me this way for a reason and that he has set me a certain task in my life. It's in situations like the song (Him) speaks of when I want nothing more than to hurl anger at God for putting me in a situation where 'nothing' could come from it, but then once the situation is overcome it's so easy to see what you gained from it and why you had to go through it. I admit the topic is not that graceful and I am far from being the perfect being, trying to get someone's attention by 'dressing your best' is something I always thought a bit degrading (depending on what you wear) yet I found myself doing it!! Don't!!

I've only recently realised that being gay was nothing to be ashamed of, so many times I've been put in the most awkward situations where somebody asks the most blunt and random questions and all I have to offer is the truth. I was never good at telling lies, ever since my Step-dad told me he hates liars I had always been bad at it. I hope this answers a few questions for some or opens minds for others, sorry for the awkwardness but sometimes that's just life.

I've called this the draft because there are some parts which I'm not to sure about but I've decided to sit with them for some time and evaluate them later and see if I like them.

p.s. I added some lyrics at the bottom of the song which didn't make it into the 'final' version.

Verse 1
I give him the eye, he smiles
For he knows what hides behind,
Yet he knows he can't return
My love, he's sorry for fanning the burn.

I see him and no one around him
In my dreams I've kissed and felt him
Oh the pain when I awake
Oh the shame the next day

Chorus
I wore my best for him tonight,
In hopes that he might change his mind,
But he don't need me and it's getting plane to tell
You can give him what he want's but you cannot create the spell.
When the urge proves to strong
And I want him in my arms
Is it a sin to love him?

Verse 2
But he won't share his love with me,
He's planned his wife and family
How can I live up to those things?
If only I could make him see

That I can give the love he wants
Lets compensate away my faults
If he made the sacrifice
Could I keep him satisfied?

Chorus 2
I wore my best for him tonight,
In hopes that he might change his mind,
But he don't need me and it's getting plane to tell
You can give him what he wants but he'll run off with someone else.
When the urge proves to strong
And I want him in my arms
Is it a sin to love him?

Mid 8
And I want him to love me for all of his life,
with passion and romance with fire and fight.
The window light that I would leave alight for him.
Would lure him close and lead him in.

Chorus 3
I wore my best for him tonight,
In hopes that he might change his mind,
But he don't need me and it's getting plane to tell
You can give him what he wants but he will still put you through hell.
But when the time comes along
and I've the chance to take him home
Is it a sin to love him?

Lyrical outtakes-

Middle 8
(If only he wasn't so tough, would he speak of his love)

(I want him to love me all of his life, to keep me warm throughout the night)

Verse
(Let's forget about what they say, don't shy away or feel afraid)

(Don't shy away or feel afraid, I am here you will be ok)

(If you were mine it would feel the space, but would it take me from my faith)

(If he were mine and I were his...)

Karl Smitherman © 2012, published 10/09/2012