Last Years Noel

Christmas is a time for tradition, and every family has their own tradition on this time of year. One of my favourite traditions since little has been the treasure hunt, each year my Step Mum would hide our presents somewhere around the house (or street), she'd also hide a handful of gold stars around the house and each of us children would get a rhyme/riddle which suggests where the star is. Each star contains a letter and once they are all found you arrange the letters to make a sentence which tells you where the presents are...pretty fun ay?? Other traditions are going to midnight mass with my Mum and lighting a candle for the family we have lost in the past, or our Dad picking us up and driving around the streets and towns to look at the Christmas lights. My older brothers and sisters would sneakily poke holes in their Christmas presents to see what they had long before the day arrived whilst Mums old tree would never stand straight and would rest slightly against the wall. Without a doubt Christmas is my favourite time of year and as I get older I have really laboured on these traditions and without them Christmas seems a bit weird. I guess my own private tradition since being a little boy was wishing Jesus a happy birthday, I don't think it is his birthday but the thought still counts. As each year goes by the presents mean less and less to me and the traditions become bigger. I cannot wait when settled to celebrate Christmas with in my own family, whether it be a spouse and a dog, or a spouse and a kid, or a loud mouthed group of nieces and nephews. Each year I intend on writing a Christmas song, last years song I got the opportunity to record which was 'Lonely this Year'. Unfortunately the songs came a bit late this year which meant I couldn't record them, but this song below talks about going home for Christmas and celebrating it rich in tradition.


Verse 1
Call up the Dad hitch us a ride,
Lets drive around town look at the lights,
For once the world is just as bright,
As the moon beside the stars in the sky.

Bring out the coats, pick out the scarves,
Put up the tree and send out the cards,
Count down the days, dig out a path,
Wake up each morning to the dark.

Chorus
This year I find I'm asking for home,
Where the season is merry and you're never alone,
The distant choir hark I hear and the church bells,
On Christmas Day on last years Noel.

Verse 2
We'd huddle around the fires glow,
Gather thistle paint them gold,
Long for someone's arms to hold
and pray for the chance to wake to snow.

 Chorus
This year I find I'm asking for home,
Where the people are friendly, it's been so long and
The distant choir hark I hear and the church bells,
On Christmas Day on last years Noel.

Verse 3/Mid 8
Christmas eve is ending fast,
We light a candle after Mass,
For all those we've lost to the past
And a sad comforting glow is cast.

 Chorus
This year I find I'm asking for home,
Where the trees is half standing and the presents half opened.
The distant choir hark I hear and the church bells,
On Christmas Day on last years Noel.

Karl Smitherman ©

I don't remember if I mentioned this in the last blog, but my new song and first EVER music video is being released on Boxing Day...my gift to you!!! :-D it's called 'Man of Kent' which I think was the first song I wrote about, I believe its Blog 2 if you're interested.



Below is last years Chritsmas song 'Lonely this Year'...

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I found Christ today

Since moving to Guildford the Cathedral has been a place of prayer for me, I've only recently realised just how many times I have ventured up there to seek answers, comfort etc. I wrote the majority of this song in that place. I remember visiting it regularly in the summer, at that point I was quite low, quite angry, but no one would have guest because a lot of the time I am able to keep my emotions inside and battle them out on my own. It takes a lot for me to express what I am feeling, even my closest of friends don't get to see that side of me, and those that do I guess it means that I really appreciate their presence in my life and look up to them in some way.

I can't tell you how many times I have walked into the Cathedral feeling like the gypsy from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, was I truly accepted in religion? they say God loves all and I agree with that, but at the point of my death being what I am will he let me enter into the gates of heaven? When praying I had so much that I had to say to God but rather than being angry all my self doubt, anger and sadness that I had harboured over the past few months melted into peace and all I felt was contentment. I believe in that moment some sort of presence came to me and wanted me to know that everything would be ok and that I've no need to worry. After prayer I wrote about three quarters of this song and put it down for a couple of months:

I only thought to pick the song up and completed it when the other day I watched a documentary titled "For the Bible tells me so..." which was about proper religious families in Southern America and how they dealt with their children coming out as gay, the documentary really shook me up, some of the footage was so disturbing. I walked away feeling vulnerable and emotional, but it then made me count my blessings for those that had truly accepted me in the Christian community. I had realised for the first time how hard or awkward it must have been for me to walk in in all my hair and gaudiness and for them to take the time (the actual time not just a brief conversation or two) to get to know me and understand me...all that weakness I had just encountered had transfigured into strength and courage and they not knowing this had really cemented my stability in the church and for that I would always be grateful...I guess people are put in our lives for reasons and to teach us lessons and those that manage to do that remain gold dust in our lives and I guess have somehow rooted themselves into our spiritual growth.

So here is the song which I was so inspired to write in the Cathedral and had meant to finish a while back...although I am stuck on the last part of the chorus. I really don't know whether to put "Hallelujah, hallelujah, llelujah I am WHOLE or HOME??? I put 'whole' in just because it's what came to me first, which one do you think suits it best? help? 

Verse 1

I found Christ today and there he found me,

Sitting in the altar like a game of hide and seek,

I felt the weight I held removed from my soul,

I felt the doors to hell shudder as they closed.

Verse 2

I found Christ today and he took the time to stay,

He made me feel at home like I was welcome in my faith.

I found him in the bible then I found him in the seats,

I found him in the altar then I found him in me.

Chorus

Rising like the sun sitting on the mountain peak,

I struggled to understand but he understood me,

He lifted up my spirit, He lifted up my soul,

Hallelujah, hallelujah, llelujah I am whole.

Verse 3

I found Christ today, he washed away my stains,

He wiped away my tears, from within he wiped the pain.

He left a little scar to remind me I am his.

Then I bowed my head, then my brow he kissed.

Verse 4

I found Christ today, He sent me on the road

'Cos I shouldn't need these bricks to make me feel like I am home,

I shouldn't need the temple, I shouldn't need the stone,

I only needed him and only him alone.

Chorus

Rising like the sun sitting on the mountain peak,

I struggled to understand but he understood me,

He lifted up my spirit, He lifted up my soul,

Hallelujah, hallelujah, llelujah I am whole.

Hallelujah, hallelujah, llelujah I am whole.

Karl Smitherman 2012 ©

p.s. me and my amazing friend Jessamine Cera are working on a music video for my song 'Man of Kent' here is a little still from the video...

And here is the lyric write up and work sheet in which the song 'I found Christ today' was written on...

Outtakes-

"I found Christ today needing him so tenderly, I was lost but now found, was bound but now free"

"The light shone through the windows and there unto me, and there I felt brand new again a child of thee"

"I found Christ today and there he found me, a boy with ruby lips, golden hair and now a soul set free"

"I felt like I was riding high, the whole world at my feet"

"And all at once The Lord came down and reached for my soul, now I've no fear of who I am and where I am to go, and all at once Jesus whispers soft and low and there I felt the comfort and the possibility to float"

What's strange is that any one of these lyrics could have altered the meaning and story behind the song...

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If I were a Little Sparrow (redraft)

I've been working on this song recently with a friend, the usual process when writing a song is that I write the lyrics and basic chords and then some magnificent musician gets creative and makes the song sound bliss. This song has been a hard one to capture we've been battling between piano and guitar in trying to find the right sound which we think we may have found by settling with the piano. It's funny because I have always been a guitar person who likes the subtle sound of the finger picked strings over what I thought was a dominant piano, but recently I've found the piano to have a soft solemn sound which is perfectly captured in this song. I remember a while before working on the music for the song the musician helping with it once read the lyrics and didn't like the final verse so when they decided to arrange it I had to quickly whip up in ten minutes another two verses, one of which was an alternation of the original.
As I wrote this song based on an old folk song I've been trying to work out what the song means for me. The conclusion being that the sparrow is a symbol for freedom as it can take off whenever it wants to, in verse 1 it flies home for comfort, in verse 2 it snatches its lover a flies away with it. Verse 3 finds the sparrow searching the world (with no thought for money) for their lover and the final verse is slightly different in that it addresses the listener and warns them against the person who once mistreated them. The narrator addresses the sparrow by asking them to send a message to their loved one letting them know they are alive, is this because the narrator wants the lover to know that they can survive without them? or are they praying for the lover to return and spare a thought for them? what do you think??

If I were a little sparrow I would fly south,
I would roll in my Mama's arms and rid me of this hell
But I'm not a little sparrow and neither can I fly,
If I loved you better would you still be mine?

If I were a little sparrow here's what I would do,
I would wrap you in my arms and fly away with you
But I'm not a little sparrow and I loved you more than true,
I loved you more than needed but you needed someone new.

If I were a little sparrow I'd fly away o'er the hills
And if I couldn't find you I'd search until I will
I'm not a little sparrow and I cannot fly home,
Now that you have left me there is no skin to my bone.

If I were a little sparrow I'd warn you not to be fooled
By the eyes that say they love you 'cos they don't love you at all
So flutter in flight little sparrow, take off away to the sky
And if you see my loved one would you tell them I am alive.

Karl Smitherman © 2012

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My Achilles

I've always been fascinated with Greek Mythology and as I've mentioned in my previous posts I have recently been into the poems of Oscar Wilde and Lord Byron, if you have a spare second I recommend looking up some of their works especially Byron's 'The Tear' or Wilde’s ‘Under the Balcony’. I’ve found when reading their material that when talking of heartbreak they tend not to be so discreet about who the poem is about or the details involved, whereas in a song I feel you have to gloss over your message to make it more commercial. So I thought I'd conjure up one titled 'Achilles', this poem does not pay homage to Achilles himself but instead to someone who in their own way reminded me of him.

There is so much mugginess around the story of Patroclus and Achilles, some say that they were friends, some say cousins some even lovers. Of course being gay I've opted for the bromance!! Supposedly Achilles was almost invulnerable and the only way to kill him was his heel, hence the saying "Achilles heel". There was a time within the Trojan War where Achilles refused to fight and it was only when Patroclus was murdered by the opposite party that he took up his sword and shield and rode high and mighty into the battle field which unfortunately led to his death. The film 'Troy' suggests that Patroclus disguised himself as Achilles to protect him, you may notice I have chosen to stick to this version when writing the poem.

Patroclus's death supposedly drove Achilles mad, as did Hephaestions death to Alexander the Great. In the poem itself the narrator is aware of the effect that Patroclus' and Hephaestions' death had upon their 'lovers' so begs his own lover to forget him and not avenge his death as he feels that he is doomed to die like Hephaestion and Patroclus, before his great lover. The narrator is also terrified of his man going down the same path of self destruction that Achilles and Alexander went to, eventually leading to their deaths. The ending of the poem is no less tragic than the Greek tragedies in that either way the narrator is doomed for sadness, he either has to live without his love or has to die and watch his love die too. Unlike the original Achillies the battle is not a blood thirsty war but instead one between family and religion...perhaps the lover (Achilles) knows that if he is to live his life with the narrator he will be abandoned by his family and religion.

Oh my Achilles day and night,

My will to live my constant mind

Let us forever lay apart,

Let our bed lay cold in the dark.

You could keep me safe from harm,

With your bow and steady arms,

But that would make you less a man,

Forget my name and if you can...

Do not let me be your heel,

But let me be your sword and shield,

Let me be your sacrifice

Who gave you up to live your life

Don’t fight for me, don’t fight for me,

Cos you’ll be cut from your family tree.

Our battle is not of sword and spear,

But of birth and blood and holiness.

It’s goodbye to them or goodbye to me,

So keep them safe and let that be.

I refuse to be your burden carried,

Let me be the one to watch you marry,

My Achilles strong and proud,

Golden hair and lips so round

Oh my Achilles or Alexander,

As your name does say you are,

Let the prophecy stay strong,

That I must die and you live on.

Like Patroclus took your ‘name’,

So his love could become so great,

Let this parting we have made,

Keep you sound and bring you fame.

Don’t fight for me, don’t fight for me,

For we both must die if we can be.

You’re my Achilles not by words,

But by look and stature and still I thirst,

For you to live life to the full,

Without the constant ridicule

You’re my Achilles not the man

Who once could kill with his bare hands,

And still you are the highest of highs,

My evening star, my morning light.

So like Patroclus was put to death,

If you need me I’ll be there,

But till that day my solemn prince,

My warrior, I beg you, live.

And don’t avenge my cruelly death,

If you’re Achilles I’m Patroclus,

Don’t fight for me, don’t fight for me,

If you do you will die to.

Don’t fight for me, don’t fight for me,

You’re now a prince soon to be King.

If I were your Patroclus and you my Achilles,

I know for sure you’d fight for me, I know for sure you’d fight for me.

Karl Smitherman © 2012

Forever Gone

I've often found that my style of writing changes depending on the type of things I am reading at the time. Recently I have been reading a lot of poetry, as you may have noticed whilst reading 'In the Lap of the Mountain'. I love the works or Byron, Whitman and Wilde. I always love the songs/poems of lament and loss and that's why I enjoy all the old traditional folk songs like 'Danny Boy' and 'The Water is Wide'. When writing this piece I wrote it as a poem instead of a song. It speaks about being apart from your love but leaving them instructions to ways in which they can feel close to you. It also says how the narrator would rather suffer the pain which they are feeling now than never knowing what it would be like to be with their loved one.

Though your hands shall never/ touch my tender face,

No finger can discover /what they cannot replace.

The arms I taught to hold me/ throughout the coolest nights

Shall no more console me/and shall be out of sight

Oh darling don’t forget me/ you said upon a time,

No one could ever replace me/ I was the first of my kind.

My arm shall be the duvet/ the pillow be my chest,

So linger on a lifetime/ and lay ye down to rest.

Yes lay down all your burdens/ and hang up all your hopes

Lift them to the sun light/ and send them up to float,

And even in the dark say or/ breath my name in sigh

For I do feel the same way/ and do the same do I.

I whisper your name softly/ it’s all I've learnt to speak,

And when the light does hold me/ it hits the tear on my cheek,

And like a crown of diamonds/ my face shall forever shine,

And all this I endure for/ I knew once you were mine

It makes it all worthwhile/ and allows me to sustain

In each and every mile/it’s how I bare the rain

So assemble all the loneliness/ and drink it down in wine

And make believe this moment/ that once again you’re mine.

Karl Smitherman © 2012

The Stage

I've realised reading back on the blog that many of the topics have been utterly depressing so firstly would like to apologise if I have made you feel suicidal at any point. Today's song was originally meant to be a joke song between me and my friend. The song came about because whenever we would go down town for our regular coffee fixes we happened to stumble across the same man...literally without fail!! He is always dressed in his finery and swaggers up and down the highstreet. I have no idea where he goes, however, one day me and my friend were discussing what it is we believe he does and I had this image of him wanting to be a famous performer on the West End and having never received his big break strolls up and down the town in his most expensive clothes hoping some talent scout would find him and lead him to fame, and from there I wrote the song based on what I imagine his life to have been like.

I was so proud of this song once it was written because I thought at least I'd have one song in my set list which wasn't about me and which would have a funny story to tell. However reading the song back a few weeks later I realised that I have probably pretty much predicted my own future!! I already 'doll' myself up and ponce around the town, soon will be the failing of my career and I never tend to settle with child because of reasons of which the majority of people can guess!! and I also used to sing to people in the school playground before my Mum stopped me for embarrassing my brothers...that's what you get when your repertoire is Celine Dions 'My heart will go on' and the Spice Girl catalogue.

Luring myself out of my depression I honestly believe anyone can make it in what they want to achieve, I've come to learn and have yet to take action in putting your neck on the line and push yourself every step of the way, no matter how many bricks you shit!! For anyone who is interested and for those that ain't I am recording some songs at the moment for some EPs, some have already been written up in the blog, they are 'Gypsy', 'Prettiest Thing in Town', 'In the Lap of the Mountain', 'Man of Kent' and 'Into the Night' if you have a moment please read back on past posts you may find yourself laughing at my misfortunes which will then make your day!!

Here's a quick story which will confirm my theory of the poor man. One evening once the song was written I was walking home at about 11 at night and saw him dancing along the street miming some song to himself. This is the Gods honest truth but we gotta love the dreamers!!

Verse 1
When I was a child I used to pretend
That the sun was my spotlight, the stage was the shed.
I'd climb to the top, though my knees were grazed
I didn't care, I belonged to the stage.

I'd pick and I'd sing my favourite hymn
When someone would walk by, the louder I'd sing.
I'd act out a play which I'd memorized for days,
I knew some day they'd take me to the stage.

Build
I dreamed of the lights and I dreamed of the stage,
though it never took of the dream it still stayed...

Chorus
Now I walk round the town day after day
In my finest of clothes, in my brightest of gowns.
Hoping someone will say you're right for the part
I will give you the fame, follow me to the stage.

Verse 2
No I never married, I hadn't the time
And I never settled with no children of mine.
I wanted such greatness and someday I knew
That the harder I worked then my dreams would come true.

Build
My reflection withered from the times they've made me fall
With all the auditions saying it's you we will call...

Chorus

Now I walk round the town day after day
In my finest of clothes, in my brightest of gowns.
Hoping someone will say you're right for the part
I will give you the fame, follow me to the stage.


Karl Smitherman © 2012

Him (draft)

Hi guys,
Long time no speak...I'm so sorry, I've just moved house and am battling with no internet for a whole month!!

I warn you strong opinionated buggers now to not read this blog it's a sensitive issue tonight!!

I thought this would be the perfect song to start the blog up again with, 'Him'. I remember conjuring up the song title some 7 years ago when I planned on taking lyric writing seriously. The song was originally meant to be a childhood autobiographical song which would give listeners/readers the 411 on me. I had planned to name my first EP/album 'Him' to represent the music coming from my life experiences. However the song lay dormant for a good 7 years until about 6 months ago when I was going through some hurting issues in my life and the song's basic formation literally poured out of me.  I remember sitting in my bedroom all glamoured up thinking "How did he not notice?, I wore my best for him tonight" and then "that would make a really good song lyric". The first verses came when I visited back home (Kent) in hopes to heal and get away from my woes (LOL sad but true).

The song talks about a gay man falling for a straight man...(awkward silence ay?). It then questions the basis of the relationship between the two people, is there a possibility? is it deemed a sin? etc. I have struggled a lot with coming to terms with Christianity and homosexuality. I've felt at times that I should try and force it out of me, then just as quick something slaps me and reminds me that God has made me this way and it's him I should be listening to, not other people. I'll happily hear others opinions on the subject but then I retreat to prayer and ask for guidance in the matter. I've come to the conclusion that God made me this way for a reason and that he has set me a certain task in my life. It's in situations like the song (Him) speaks of when I want nothing more than to hurl anger at God for putting me in a situation where 'nothing' could come from it, but then once the situation is overcome it's so easy to see what you gained from it and why you had to go through it. I admit the topic is not that graceful and I am far from being the perfect being, trying to get someone's attention by 'dressing your best' is something I always thought a bit degrading (depending on what you wear) yet I found myself doing it!! Don't!!

I've only recently realised that being gay was nothing to be ashamed of, so many times I've been put in the most awkward situations where somebody asks the most blunt and random questions and all I have to offer is the truth. I was never good at telling lies, ever since my Step-dad told me he hates liars I had always been bad at it. I hope this answers a few questions for some or opens minds for others, sorry for the awkwardness but sometimes that's just life.

I've called this the draft because there are some parts which I'm not to sure about but I've decided to sit with them for some time and evaluate them later and see if I like them.

p.s. I added some lyrics at the bottom of the song which didn't make it into the 'final' version.

Verse 1
I give him the eye, he smiles
For he knows what hides behind,
Yet he knows he can't return
My love, he's sorry for fanning the burn.

I see him and no one around him
In my dreams I've kissed and felt him
Oh the pain when I awake
Oh the shame the next day

Chorus
I wore my best for him tonight,
In hopes that he might change his mind,
But he don't need me and it's getting plane to tell
You can give him what he want's but you cannot create the spell.
When the urge proves to strong
And I want him in my arms
Is it a sin to love him?

Verse 2
But he won't share his love with me,
He's planned his wife and family
How can I live up to those things?
If only I could make him see

That I can give the love he wants
Lets compensate away my faults
If he made the sacrifice
Could I keep him satisfied?

Chorus 2
I wore my best for him tonight,
In hopes that he might change his mind,
But he don't need me and it's getting plane to tell
You can give him what he wants but he'll run off with someone else.
When the urge proves to strong
And I want him in my arms
Is it a sin to love him?

Mid 8
And I want him to love me for all of his life,
with passion and romance with fire and fight.
The window light that I would leave alight for him.
Would lure him close and lead him in.

Chorus 3
I wore my best for him tonight,
In hopes that he might change his mind,
But he don't need me and it's getting plane to tell
You can give him what he wants but he will still put you through hell.
But when the time comes along
and I've the chance to take him home
Is it a sin to love him?

Lyrical outtakes-

Middle 8
(If only he wasn't so tough, would he speak of his love)

(I want him to love me all of his life, to keep me warm throughout the night)

Verse
(Let's forget about what they say, don't shy away or feel afraid)

(Don't shy away or feel afraid, I am here you will be ok)

(If you were mine it would feel the space, but would it take me from my faith)

(If he were mine and I were his...)

Karl Smitherman © 2012, published 10/09/2012